


Coming of Age

by sycamoretree



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, Sex Talk, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 01:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sycamoretree/pseuds/sycamoretree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for prompt: Fíli and Kíli are old enough to require The Talk. Dís thinks they would be more comfortable talking to a man, and their Da is away so Uncle Thorin has to be the substitute. Not that he particulary wants to, but Dís has her fair share of Durin stubborness. The problem is, Thorin might be a bit rusty and old-fashioned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming of Age

Thorin digs the heels of his boots in the ground and lets out an undignified squeak. “By Durin’s name, unhand me at once, woman!”

The sturdy but uncommonly tall dwarf-woman who drags him by the braid at his temple huffs impatiently and stalks faster with him stumbling in her wake. 

“This is not the time to act like a king who’s being assaulted, brother! You are in this moment my son’s uncle and the man of the house, not that it means you get to decide much over my home, but it does mean it’s your responsibility to deal with this.” 

Thorin growls in his beard and would much rather return to the forge than face his nephews on this day. “But why the both of them?” he interjects and Dis makes a sharp turn around a corner in the large public hall of Ered Luin and the painful tug on his precious braid makes Thorin grimace. 

His sister snaps with her face rudely turned forward and not meeting his eyes, “Guess three times. I’m aware that Fili is the one who’s formally coming of age, but Kili is not that far behind, what with him growing like a young willow by a river. Furthermore, if you were to teach only Fili, he would without doubt tell Kili within a fortnight, and probably a twisted truth at that. Mahal knows what Kili would be left to assume what courting and copulation entail. So it’s better this way. They are mature enough for the talk.”

“Their father should be the one to tell them,” Thorin grumbles and receives a most likely intentional kick to his right shin. “And you know as well as I that my husband is away in Bree and will be hired in a forge ‘til the autumn comes. Since he is providing my family with coins, maybe you can be so kind to educate my sons in this subject. You’ve already taught them runes, forging, mine engineering, and how to handle weapons. This should be no different than those arts.”

“Coupling is nothing like writing runes!” Thorin protests and a shiver is running down his sweaty spine as they approach Dis’ house, and inevitably his doom on this fine day. 

“Oh, I know that well, but the tradition calls for a male dwarf sharing this with sons, so here we are. And I like to watch you squirm,” Dis adds maliciously and trips him right at the door and manages, while the king in exile is busy trying to regain his balance, to push him inside and locks the door from the outside before Thorin can spin around and make his escape. 

He sighs, his shoulders are slumped and he gravely addresses the un-suspecting young dwarves in some room in the house. “Fili, Kili; I want you two to sit down on Fili’s bed and stay very quiet for a while.” 

The noise of clattering from the kitchen ends and is replaced by the soft drumming of heavy feet sprinting on stone floor. Suffering and miserable, Thorin wonders as he steps through the poor but adequate house if his royal ancestors ever felt the same dread when they were to broach this subject with their younger kin. The worst part was, he had always seen his nephews as a bumbling pair of mischief-makers who carefree played and tumbled around the mountain ever since they both were old enough to be on their own outside the house.

To think they are not toddlers, or even cocky adolescents anymore, but soon-to-be adults, equals to him in a way, if not in authority, was a disconcerting realization. And Thorin doesn’t want to think of Fili and Kili courting other dwarves and engage in copulation. That is an area Thorin has denied existed where his nephews are concerned. But Dis is right on one point: with their father away, and with fantasies and rumors amongst their friends replacing strict facts about the subject, they will need him to tell them the truth. 

He will carry out this duty, for it is a burden he has to bear on his broad shoulders. He prefers his nephews not to get hurt rather than shy away from this and leave them to unrealistic assumptions. He enters the boys’ bedroom.

***

In a heap on the bed, Kili and Fili are tickling each other wildly and Thorin winces at the wrongness of their behaviour when he tries to summon the courage to give them a serious talk one adult dwarf to another. 

“Stop that and sit straight!” he commands and the two dwarves jumps and immediately lose their will to play. They do sit up, with rosy cheeks, rising and falling chests, and ruffled nests of coal-black and hay-colored hair. Their eager eyes follow Thorin as he reaches for a chair nearby and puts it opposite of them. 

“What is it, uncle?” Fili inquires through a badly concealed pant that makes his short braided moustaches wave, and the quickly growing Kili awkwardly tugs his three-inch too short sleeves down to at least cover his slender wrists. 

They are dressed in green and blue tunics and resilient brown leather breeches and soft fur shoes that are used by dwarves who stay inside the mountain and don’t work in the mines or the forge. Thorin decides to use that information to break the ice. 

“Can’t an uncle come and visit his nephews now and then? What have you been up to this morning, I wonder?” Kili’s eyes glitters and he chirps as if he be a magpie. “Ma told us to clean Da’s weapon storage, and that’s what we did, every axe and knife. Though the soap we used for the floor made my hands all itchy and raw, so I hope I am still able to train in the afternoon. It hurts a lot to hold a bow firmly and pull back the string when your palms are burning.”

Kili raises his hands for Thorin to inspect and the hands look clean and spotless, but not anywhere near inflamed as the boy claims. Thorin sighs at his exaggerating youngest kin and glances at Fili who meanwhile has fished a pipe from his night-table and is on the verge to light a match. 

“And what of you, Fili? What are your aspirations this day?” he asks stiffly like a king to his heir but Fili remains unaffected by the strictness and instead winks at him. “Caught a fat rat chewing on Da’s old bracers. Threw a knife straight through its head so it died instantly.” 

Thorin hums approvingly at his nephew’s prowess before Kili adds sourly, “And you missed my nose with less than a breath.” 

Thorin’s smile falters and Fili smacks around his pipe. “How do you measure a breath, little brother?” Sensing a fight in the making, Thorin intervenes and taps their knees to get their attention. 

“Your Ma sent me. This is a special day.” 

Kili frowns. “But my birthday is in the winter.” 

Thorin shakes his head, praying for mercy from Mahal. “Not that kind of special. But still, it concerns Fili in particular, and you, too, according to your Ma.” This peaks the dwarves’ curiosity and they visibly hold their breath, so Thorin is forced to speak lest they turn blue and pass out. 

“You are both soon coming of age and due to your Da’s absence, it has fallen upon me to inform you of the intimate exchange between man and woman.” The king’s cheeks are already heating, so he is eternally grateful for his beard that should hide the blush. Let the lesson begin. 

Kili wraps his arms around himself and Fili tilts his head to the side with interest. Thorin makes a general sweeping gesture their way with his hand. “Your dagger, the one you have… down there.” 

Kili and Fili squint at him and dubiously bend over and look under the bed and Thorin subdues a pained moan as he got another grey streak in his hair. 

“No, lads, not there. The dagger…between your legs.” Kili’s dark expression brightens in realization. “You mean my legless lizard?” 

“Your what?” Thorin blurts and a pipe falls to the floor and clatter as Fili clutches his stomach and falls onto his back on the bed, laughing uncontrollably while two red spots bloom out on Kili’s beardless cheeks. “I’ve always called it that,” the young one mumbles and Thorin waves a hand impatiently to move onto more important points. 

“Yes, well, we call them daggers now. So, your dagger, like any weapon, needs certain…tending once in a while, like the axes in your Da’s storage. You’ll find your dagger begins to demand your attention more from hereon, now that you’ve reached the age of adult dwarves.” 

Fili cocks his head as he leans against his headboard and scratches his golden stubble. With an evil smirk, he asks with false innocence, “Is your dagger tended to, uncle? Is it long and sharp and deadly?” 

They snicker while Thorin endures the humiliation. Let them ventilate the nervousness through jest. As they sober up, Kili wonders with endearing honesty, though Thorin’s patience is already wearing thin, “What kind of tending, uncle?”

“I’m getting to that!” Thorin snaps and ignores the shiver of unease that spreads over his skin. Damnation upon the lads’ Da for not being here when his sons are reaching the border to adulthood! Thorin clasps his hands together businesslike and lets his gaze travel from Kili to Fili. 

“You are polishing your daggers, right? And cleaning them when they are soiled?” The lads nod earnestly and Thorin relaxes slightly. At least he wouldn’t have to instruct them on personal hygiene and pleasuring themselves. 

“And when they harden like true steel, we work them like we would a heated object in the forge, until they turn soft from the heat and we release that intriguing fluid,” Fili reports slyly with too many details for Thorin’s comfort and Kili squirms, admittedly a bit shy at the open conversation. 

“Good! That’s grand, lads! And you like it, I’m sure. It relieves you of strain and tension?” Thorin chuckles lightly, proud they have figured out that much on their own and are able to take care of their own needs, when Kili pipes up with another confession, “I don’t feel that relieved, but rather nauseous sometimes after the deed is done. It tastes funny.” 

Thorin continues to laugh and considers what subject he would broach next until he realized what Kili has told him and then the proud king jerks on his chair and turns his head slowly to Kili. “Taste?” 

“I’ve tried the fluid but it’s too salty, worse than salted pork, and it’s warm like me, but too sticky and smells too musky for my taste.”

‘Mahal, help me!’ 

As Fili erupts into another fit of giggles, Thorin uses his reproaching voice on the youngest. “Kili, haven’t I told you over and over throughout your childhood to not put strange things in your mouth without consulting grown-ups?” 

“But I was curious!” 

“It doesn’t matter! No respectable dwarf swallows his own waste; it’s a sign of disrespect for your virility.” 

“At least I didn’t like it!” Kili screeches in defense and jumps further up the bed and clasps his knees to his chest grumpily while Fili sighs dramatically and complains, “Can’t we go and practice sword and bow now?” 

“No. I was told I should talk to you of intimacy and talk I shall.” 

‘Deep breath, Thorin Oakenshield.’ 

It would have been easier if his nephews were bashful dwarflings with no knowledge at all; that way, they wouldn’t be able to talk so freely about their findings. But they are true sons of the Durin line and that line has never been famous for shyness. Thorin waves the previous subject away with a brisk movement of his arm and leans in closer to create an air of sincerity. 

“Now, when the dagger is clean and maybe not tended to, you’ll want to put it in a sheath, am I right? The sheath can be found beneath women’s skirts. Between their legs. And it looks very odd down there like a soft and, um, pink or red cave wall adorned with a bush of hair, only it’s soft, but you just concentrate on locating the largest hole and aim the dagger at that. Do not attempt to breech the others, for that will make the woman mad. She can claw your eyes out and chop your dagger off and have it for breakfast instead of the usual sausage,” Thorin warns and finally the two nephews begin to look intimidated. 

Kili inches closer to his brother with fright in his eyes. 

“When you sheath your dagger, try to polish the blade with oil or something of the like, and see if the woman’s pouch…” 

“Sheath, you mean?” Fili asks with a confused expression and Thorin nods absently. “Aye, the sheath. If the sheath is wet as well, you’re good to go. But do it like you do with your actual dagger and sheath; do not stab the woman, but put it in and out hard and fast, or soft and gently, like you do for different situations when you’re on journeys. But never stab! You don’t want to hurt the dagger or the sheath.” 

Then Thorin mutters to himself with sympathy for the female population, “As if the poor women aren’t suffering enough bleeding.” Of course the younger ones have excellent ears and catch what he’s saying. 

“Bleeding?” Kili whispers with a trembling voice and all but buries his head in Fili’s side. Thorin takes pity on them and punches Kili’s arm to console him in a tender way. 

“Surely you’ve heard of the monthly bleeding all women have from their coming of age to the brink of old age? When women bleed from the sheath for approximately five days as a sign of their fertility. Anyway, that period can prove challenging for women as they live with constant pain in the sheath, the belly, the back sometimes, head, or all over. Many get antsy but there’s no way to predict a dwarf woman’s individual behaviour during that time. Some get incredible willing to bed dwarves, other are inclined to almost kill their suitors or husbands, and it’s all a mystery that both men and women suffer through.” 

Thorin remembers suddenly to look up from his lap where he has rested his gaze while he remembered the trial of women, and sees the disgusted and horrified expressions on both his nephews.

“Who cast this curse upon our people?” Fili rumbles, as if he can be given a name on a perpetrator so he can slay him with his swords and undo women’s pain. Kili keens weakly from Fili’s tunic, “Does Ma almost die every month and we haven’t noticed?“ 

“And that’s why and where little dwarrows are conceived and born,” Thorin summarizes quickly and ignores Fili’s furious command and Kili’s abhorred question on purpose. Thorin has obliviously walked into a trap which Dis would be more able to break free from than he. Sometimes, retreat is better than complete defeat, even for a brave Durin.

***

Carding his hand through his thick mane of hair, Thorin proposes goodheartedly to let the lads know the bleeding is far from fatal and needs no more worrying over, “Can any of you tell me what happens next, when the dagger moving in and out of the sheath?” 

“It is needed in many battles?” Kili suggests and sprawls across Fili’s thighs, fear melting away. Thorin pinches the bridge of his nose. “Not the actual dagger, Kili. We’re talking about coupling, remember?” 

“Oh. Right.”

Fili raises his fair eyebrows. “It’s supposed to feel really nice, just like taking yourself in hand and stroking until that fluid comes.” Thorin scratches his nape. He wishes it hadn’t been embarrassingly many years ago since he last had a partner sharing his bed. He hopes he is experienced enough to appease the increasing curiosity. And that the world still is like it had been before, without modern changes. 

“Yes. But it is important to care for your woman as well and make sure she reaches pleasure as well. I’d say find the small button on top of that pink flesh and rub it at her request. Also, if you’re really talented, you might be able to thrust at an angle that makes your dagger hit a particularly good spot inside the hole. Women love thrusts against that spot. That should make her wetter and warmer, which a dagger enjoys, and then she’ll hopefully come before you do.” 

“Come where? To your house?” Kili wonders with flushed face and before Thorin had time to give him an answer, Fili yanked him close by the short sleeve and whispered in his ear. Kili’s eyes widened and he released a scandalized noise. “All over my sheets?! Ma would hate that since she’s doing the laundry.” 

Thorin massaged his temple and Fili confidently balanced his extinguished pipe on one finger as he returned it to his night-table. “No, Kili, your brother is either misinformed or joking. One says that a man or a woman comes when their pleasure gets so high that it feels like you’re the top of a mountain only to cascade down like a waterfall of ecstasy. It is in that moment that the man releases his fluid and the woman’s sheath quiver and tightens deliciously around the dagger and the woman gets even wetter. But it’s not so much fluid that anyone will be able to soak a bed, I swear it. But if you want to be sure that you’re not conceiving a dwarrow inside the woman, pull out and come on the bed instead.” 

Fili looks thoroughly disappointed, whether it is because his uncle ruined his tale, or because he truly had anticipated a waterfall in a joining.

Thorin claps his hands together and twists his ring a couple of times around his finger. “So, do you two have any questions? I’ll be happy to answer.” 

Like Mordor’s fires he’ll be!

“So that’s fucking?” Fili asks bluntly and Thorin swallows the urge to behave like royalty and berate Fili for using such crude words about the acts between man and woman. The lad doesn’t know better, and many in Ered Luin favour that term over the ones Thorin heard from his own father. “Yes, but never use that word when you’re courting a fine woman who could become your future queen unless she uses it first.” 

Kili emits with a grin, “I heard from Kairn that sometimes dwarves gather in groups and everyone receives intimate attention and more. Kairn called it an orgy. Is that common?” Thorin can feel himself pale a little. Still, it is probably only vivid imagination from some boisterous dwarfling who has yet to experience a tumbling with a woman. 

“I’ve never come across a collective act of coupling in all my years I’ve walked on the earth. It doesn’t exist.” 

The next question derives from Fili who is staring provocatively at his uncle. “Any advice for the position of the Licking dogs?” 

“The what?” Thorin says faintly and feels a headache develop. Fili is happy to explain. “It’s when one dwarf has his head one way and the other one the other against their crotches, so both can lick the dagger and sheath at the same time.”

‘What is this new devilry?’ 

”Abomination!” Thorin shouts on pure instinct and flies up from the chair. How could a dwarf engaging in such activities concentrate on the task ahead if his partner was simultaneously attending to his private bits? Last time Thorin had received oral pleasuring, he had been hazy with lust from the wicked tongue sliding around his shaft and… 

‘No, don’t think of that now!’ 

Thorin inhales deeply to quell the beginning arousal and glares at Fili. The worst part was, now Thorin is aware of what other dwarves, including those who would become his future subjects, are probably doing at nights in their private chambers, and how could those dwarves have the courage to even talk to other dwarves come morning? 

In a more calm voice, Thorin explains carefully, feeling as if he’s blindly stumbling through a pitch-dark mine, “Coupling should indeed feel good for both participants, but there’s no need to get too involved in each other’s bodies. Fascination can easily turn into obsession and our family is unfortunately prone to obsession, so stay away from too complicated and lewd positions.” 

“So if I were to do it with a man, it’s the same thing as with a woman; to lie on top of each other and thrust in the hole?” Kili lets out and Thorin wants to crawl out his own skin at the audacity of his nephew. 

“Kili! Keep your hands off all male behinds!” 

“But why?” Kili whines and Thorin cannot handle whining from his heirs; it’s not how proper royalties behave. In an exasperated tone, he says, “Because I said so. At least be discreet about it so no-one will taunt you, or so I hear the details of it.” Kili bows his head like an ambassador in gratitude and Fili slings his arm around his brother’s shoulders. 

“Don’t worry, uncle. I shall protect Kili against anyone who dares to speak a mean word to him. I will also give you grandnephews in the future, so the succession should be secured to the Durins.” This speech pleases Thorin and his headache throbs a bit softer. However, he feels the need to caution his dwarves against the perils of taverns and inns and less than noble company. 

“Well, I’ve taught you lovemaking, others may corrupt you by telling you what harlot-fucking entails but that’s not my responsibility. It’s up to you if you want to behave honorably and remain heirs of Durin or breed bastard dwarrows in taverns all over Middle-Earth with sluts who are not married to you, and…”

“Uncle, I can see a vein in your temple,” Kili remarked nervously and pointed at the pulsing blood vessel. Thorin reined in his sudden rage and unclenched his fists that hung by his sides. His mind had spun too quickly for his heart and he had been consumed for a while by contempt at the opportunities the world outside Ered Luin offered to two young, fairly innocent, and handsome dwarves. Maybe he was a bit too harsh. 

“Of course inns and such establishments offer intimate company for a few extra coins, but know that you should always pull out of the whor… girl before you spill, so now offspring can be conceived. The women of Men are usually tenfold as fertile as dwarf women so beware. You’re meant to marry dwarves and have legitimate heirs in time and I hope you will not disappoint me.” 

Thorin ends the talk by stepping nearer, glancing at the coal and hay laying tangled and unbraided on his young nephews heads, punching their arms lightly and emitting in a rushed voice as he’s already making his way towards the door leading out of the bedchamber, “That being said; copulation is a wonderful joy when both parts are taking pleasure from it and cherishing the moment. Intimate joining is one of the best things in a dwarf’s life and you hereby have my blessing to engage in coitus. Congratulations.”

He is almost at the doorway when his vision blurs and the feet feel heavier. The last thing he hears as he collapses with a thud on the floor is an alarmed cry. “Ma! Uncle Thorin fainted!”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was as funny as I intended it to be. It was the first time I wrote in present tense, so i hope I didn't make any grammar mistakes. Send me a comment, if you please and tell me what you thought.


End file.
